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Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Why I Want To Murder People, Just A Little.....

Ever overhear things, or people say things to you, in passing or during a conversation and you just want to take them out, you know, slip the knife out of your boot and slash their throat....just a little. Not kill them completely, just a little dead. Maybe, 3/4 of the way dead. That would be good. Kind of similar to those people who say they feel a "little bit pregnant." Because that shits possible, ya' know? I often found myself being a little bit pregnant in life. Thankfully they had those semi abortion clinics for those moderately pregnant people, for non-committal parents. WTF!! Anyway, here are a few recent comments that made me just a modicum homicidal.

"Yeah, I hate reality TV too. But, I do like Jersey Shore, those people crack me up, oh and The Hills, I am addicted to those people. I kind of like The Biggest Loser, but only if there is nothing else on, ya know. Have you ever watched Parental Control, it's pretty cool." WTF??!! Do you need a definition of REALITY TV, bitch??!!

(said by girl wearing white tank top with no bra)"It's annoying, ever since I went to the DD cup size, all guys do is stare at my breasts, like, I do still have a face, hello, it's just like, 12 inches above my tits" (at this point I am eavesdropping, but burst out laughing anyway, ummm, no, her fake tits were not sagging so badly that her face was 12 inches from her DD's, and it wasn't just guys, everyone was staring, but not at her DD's, her nipples were like lasers, you couldn't miss them)

Parent:If you don't stop I am going to jerk your arm off.
Child:You said I could have a nickel every time you threatened to jerk my arm off, can I have my nickel now?
(this exchange makes me want to partially murder both of them, the parent because REALLY, you're threatening to rip his arm off??? The kid because, seriously, it's just a matter of time until this kid sees the inside of our taxpayer supported justice system)

My Son:Oh man mom, you should have seen how good I looked doing push ups, I was in front of ______(my daughter's) mirror watching myself doing them, yeah, I'm awesome.
Me:Jesus Christ, son. And no, I don't mean that as in, you are the second coming of Christ, before you even go there.
My Son:Nah, I wouldn't want to be, he pretty much got screwed the first time around, if you believe the stories.
(this makes me want to commit a tiny bit of murder/suicide because while I have raised very intelligent, well behaved children, they are just as cocky and probably bigger smart asses than even I am, you're welcome!)

Cashier:That'll be $9.81.
Me: (hands cashier $10 bill) Ok, here ya' go. How are you today? (my bad)
Cashier: I'm good thanks. Oh shoot, I keyed this in as a $100 bill, can you wait while I get a calculator?
Me:Umm, it's ok, my change is .19. No need for a calculator.
Cashier:(now eyeing me suspiciously, like I have just pulled off some major con, what with speaking to her congenially AND being able to subtract without a calculator) Well, just to be safe, I better get a calculator.
Me:Yes, you better, what with the complicated algorithms involved in subtracting 9.81 from $10. We will all just wait here. (I turn to the man in line behind me) Sorry, I shouldn't have spoken to her.
Man in Line:Not your fault, we were already fucked, she's chewing gum.
(Win/win here, I simultaneously found someone I wanted to murder a little bit(cashier) and random stranger to hug(man in line))

So, when in doubt, don't forget to pack your cute little lady-like boot knife, and remember, sandal season is coming, so dress accordingly and start seeking out a super stealthy knife that will slip into other easy to access spots. Also, make sure you never fully murder anyone, after all, that would be like getting all the way pregnant.

PS, this weeks questions for Wicked Wednesday's Q&A are looking pretty interesting so far, if you have one you were thinking about submitting, be sure to get it in before 5pm EDT Wednesday.

15 comments:

Jana said...

Its good then that I did not have the good luck to meet morons like these or I would be standing trial right now…I am terrified of your kids now as scary as you are…funny post as usual…how do you do it?

Lagunatic said...

I'm about to make a bulk order of M-16s. You in?

Wicked Shawn said...

Abso-freaking-lutely. Think Elly could do a craft project for a cute fashionable M-16 holder?

Phoenixism said...

The worst thing about 'little bit pregnant' is the 'sorta sex' that leads to it.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

I typed in Hello Kitty M-16, and guess what?!

http://www.kittyhell.com/2009/10/09/hello-kitty-ak47-yet-another/

All LOL. If I have to pick, the one about Reality TV show makes me the battiest.

By the way, high heels to the temples alone can be effective attack mode. xxoo

pattypunker said...

seriously, i don't know what kind of math they're teaching kids these days (or if it's even math at all), but i run across these cashiers that can't do basic addition and subtraction all the time.

know what really fucks them up? when i give them $21.10 for a $16.10 total because I want a $5 back. some sink into a stupor and others try to hand the $1.10 back.

MetaMutantX said...

My weapon preference is the concealed tazer. In most cases it should move those manslaughter charges down to a simple assault.

Ali said...

I have been very homicidal lately... mostly when getting horrible customer service. I can't stand rude people.

And I can only hope we raise our daughter to be a bigger smart ass than the husband and I. What a way to make a momma proud!

Wicked Shawn said...

SubWOW-If carrying a deadly weapon of such force, which, let us be honest, my ridiculously liberal nature is simply not going to stomach, I am going to have to stick to my stilettos, but I could never go the Hello Kitty route, maybe if they made a Hello Pussy version bwahahaha!!

Meta-OMJ, I have been trying to talk someone, anyone into letting me use a taser on them for ages, but everyone is such a chickenshit and as you point out, without express permission, there is that whole assault charge thing to deal with *sigh* One of these days, I swear, I will find a willing victim and when I do, it is on baby

Elly Lou said...

So first? I can't knit or crochet or anything along those lines, so I have to think long and hard about a feminine m16 holder. *thinking long and hard about a feminine m16 holder*

Second? That's why I can't chew gum.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Your desire to tase someone naturally reminded me of the old internet meme: Don't tase me bro.

Remember that one? Or were you too young to remember? ;-)

http://www.wired.com/threatlevel/2007/09/dont-tase-me-br/

Miss Spoken said...

Never been tasered but I have been shocked with a cattle prod before. The effects could accurately be described as "being murder a little bit."

secret agent woman said...

ha ha ha! to the guy behind you in line.

And I always though the kind of woman who gets plastic boobs put in is wanting men to notice them.

Wicked Shawn said...

I have to say, all of you make me feel moderately less homicidal....more just, I don't know, assault with a deadly weapon-ish! :-) That's progress, right??!!

Gillian said...

If could legalise ONE thing what would it be and why?

Murder is not an option